What to do when you don’t know what makes you happy

Recently a woman was asked what made her happy. “Just say the first thing that comes to mind!”

Her answer: “I don’t know.”

That’s very common when you’ve lost touch with yourself. When you’ve spent years doing what’s expected and taking care of everyone else, your own needs get pushed to the background. And your own desires are often so low on the priority list that they are forgotten.

And that matters because what brings you joy is also your generator for more energy!

TRUTH: That which brings you the most joy is what will bring you the most!

One of my athlete clients has posted this coaching message on her mirror. As a result of keeping the pursuit of joy foremost in her mind, she shines.

Don’t wait until retirement to enjoy life

The largest chunk of our time is spent on our job or business, whether it’s a paid position, volunteer work, or caring for family. When something eats up a large part of your time and energy, you’d better enjoy the work you’re doing. Seeing people wait until retirement to start enjoying life makes me so sad.

I was fortunate to grow up with a father who loved his marketing job. He worked long hours but was happy to do so. Even in retirement, he continues to offer his international marketing expertise through volunteering, assisting startups or businesses in need of support. For him it would be a punishment to not be allowed to do what he loves most. He watches more TED Talks than anyone I know and reads all the latest books on a variety of topics. That’s his idea of fun.

His passion for marketing inspired me to follow in his footsteps. During school vacations, I sometimes accompanied him to work, which was especially fun when they were shooting a commercial. Seeing the variety of work included in the marketing department spoke to me. It felt like a place where I could use my creativity. After several years in my corporate marketing job, I felt a nudge to make a career change and I honored that suggestion, even though it was scary.

Give yourself permission to pursue joy

Making that change required me to release expectations (including my own). To let go of what I was supposed to be doing. To release myself from what was expected or logical, given my studies in Commercial Economics and my MBA. I had to give myself permission to pursue what brought me joy. You might also need a major change in your career focus or another key aspect of your life. But in order for you to be able to make that change, you need to get clear on what brings you joy in the first place.

I believe a lot of joy (and energy!) is to be found when you live your purpose. Ignoring or not recognizing your calling can be draining.

Discovering your purpose is a topic large enough to warrant its own post, but in order to get you pointed in the right direction, I ask you to become aware of what brings you joy and to follow that path. Trust where it leads you, and even if it doesn’t show you your purpose, at least you had a delightful time.

How to start choosing joy

Take a moment and think about what makes you smile. Which activities light you up? What do you love doing most? Start jotting down a few answers that come to mind.

Then look at how you can allocate more time to those activities. Perhaps you want to take a course to explore a certain skill, connect with like-minded people, or use more of your hours doing what makes you thrive—and shine.

And if nothing comes to mind, that’s useful information too. Don’t beat yourself up. Simply notice that prioritizing what you want might be more urgent than you realized. Next time you feel like doing something, follow that nudge.

This is an excerpt from my book Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love.

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a Dutch life transformation mentor with 24 years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life, success, or circumstance have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love and the novel Poisoned Arrow. When you feel life should be more than this, contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again.

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