How losing touch with yourself shows up in your body

We lose touch with ourselves slowly but surely as we live our lives and do what is required and expected of us. We each come into this world as a unique being. And over time we get molded to fit the expectations of society so we blend in nicely.

Over time this causes problems in our health, our well-being and our happiness. I’ll show you which signs to look out for. The indicators that you have lost touch with yourself. Which means as much as that you’re forcing yourself to be someone you’re not—often overtaxing your body as well.

Playing by the rules of society

I fully understand our parents, caretakers and teachers school us in the rules of society with the best intentions in mind. They want you to succeed and they want you to be safe.

Only yesterday I asked my mom what she wanted. Her answer? “That my kids are happy.”

So I get that, generally speaking, parents tell us to play by the rules with that end goal in mind.

But the problem is that when we learn to adapt and play by the rules, we slowly lose touch with ourselves. I’m not saying all rules are wrong—some certainly keep us physically safe. But often we’re taught to show up in a way that tones our uniqueness down. I certainly have heard many times that I was being ‘too much’.

So we tone ourselves down or up. We learn to ‘be nice’ and put other people first. We’re told—whether in words or by observing the people around us—that exhaustion is a badge of honor. That pushing through and living in survival mode is normal. That you’re not supposed to put your own needs first. That your body is something to manage—not a living organism you need to pay attention to.

I could go on and on. But let’s have a look at how you can recognize that this is going on for you.

The physical and somatic signs of losing touch with yourself

This is what it feels like in your body when you’ve lost touch with yourself.

1. You don’t feel entirely comfortable in your own skin.

It could be a background sense of this isn’t quite me. For many people this registers as a feeling of something being off. And perhaps you’ve gotten so used to it that it’s become hard to pinpoint. It could be that things feel a little forced or that you notice you’re forcing yourself.

Don’t worry if you can’t quite put your finger on it. I know it was invisible to me at the time.

After my divorce—and the process of finding myself back—my cousin said to my surprise, “I’m finally seeing the Iris from when you were young.” Since we spent a lot of time together growing up, she would certainly know.

2. You’re tired. Not just physically but of life as it is.

The day often feels too long for how much energy you have. It’s not just that your to-do list is endless but life always seems to demand more of you.

Somehow you expected life to be more joyful, more often. Less demanding and exhausting, less like you’re often a step behind. Less disappointing perhaps.

This is certainly one I understand. I’ve had times when life felt so heavy and like so much work that I wondered what the point of all the effort was. Not because something was visibly wrong—but because it didn’t feel right. I didn’t think life was supposed to feel like this. I just didn’t realize I had drifted far away from myself.

For you it might not feel quite that extreme, but when you’re a little tired of how things are going in your life then that might be a sign of disconnection of self. (If you feel life is no longer worth living, please reach out to a healthcare professional and perhaps a trusted friend right now.)

3. You have less bandwidth than you used to.

Small, unexpected things throw you or irritate you more than they should. You snap when you didn’t really want to. Not just because you’re tired. But because there always seems to be something grating at you.

 I definitely recognize this one. There was a period where I was so lost and disconnected that I lashed out at people—way out of proportion to what was happening. At the time I had some physical issues that drained my energy. And I hadn’t yet learned that I am highly sensitive and that how the world operates is geared to people who are not as sensitive. Which meant I was overstimulated a lot of the time. Forcing myself to show up as a ‘normal’ person. The people around me paid a price for that too—which is something I regret.

4. Pain or discomfort in your body—or even disease

The way I see it, the cause for this is twofold.

First, pretending to be someone you’re not takes a lot of effort and energy. Energy your body can’t use to facilitate your bodily processes like digestion and cell regeneration. Which often causes physical problems in the long run. Especially when coupled with the (inner) stress of meeting certain standards or checking boxes.

It’s becoming increasingly evident how deeply chronic stress affects the body—and in my experience, the ongoing strain of forcing yourself to be someone you’re not is exactly that kind of stress.

Second, it’s far too easy to push through past healthy boundaries when you feel like doing this thing is required or expected—by you or the people around you. Of course, perfectionism and a high sense of responsibility will only fan these flames.

So if you feel tightness in your neck or shoulders, have trouble sleeping, have regular headaches or colds that take forever to go away, have eczema, high blood pressure, heart palpitations or worse—that’s something to pay attention to. (Some of these signs warrant medical attention, and this isn’t a substitute for it!)

5. You’re self-medicating (aka numbing yourself)

Please hang on before you conclude that’s not you. I’ve done it. Most people I know have too. Whenever we self-medicate, we do that out of an often unconscious need to mute our pain or to avoid looking at something we innately sense is wrong, off or painful.

Because if you don’t feel it, you don’t need to look at it. Which is about the same as pretending you didn’t spill on your shirt by closing your eyes. The stain didn’t go away, it just became invisible.

Examples of numbing yourself:

• You are filling yourself up with food.
• You’re satisfying that hole inside with your drug of choice (e.g. substance abuse disguised as harmless drinking).
• You choose to engage in meaningless sex, mindless shopping, excessive gaming or doomscrolling.
• You turn to your work and fill your days with to-do lists and activities.
• You start taking care of everyone else but yourself.

The list is endless.

The tricky thing is that a lot of these coping mechanisms can be disguised as actually doing something good. Working hard or taking on too much responsibility can look really positive, on the surface.

Once you start delving deeper you will see that it is only a way to keep yourself busy, to fill your calendar up so that you do not have the time or the energy left to worry about what you are really doing in your life. If you numb yourself with your drug or habit of choice, you will not have to feel the pain or disappointment.

This is what losing touch with yourself feels like on the inside and how it shows up in your body and health.

In another article I shared the top 5 signs of losing touch with yourself when it comes to your behavior. That’s what it looks like on the outside.

Don’t wait for the wake-up call

There are many more signs, and some of them are akin to burnout signs. For me my burnout was definitely a wake-up call to show me that I wasn’t just pushing my body beyond healthy boundaries but that I had lost myself in the process.

But there are other wake-up calls than burnout to show you that you’ve gotten off track. Like an illness, breakup, layoff, or any other type of wake-up call. If you recently had a wake-up call, then this is the time to look at where you can return to yourself and what you need.

If you recognize any of these signs, please don’t wait to take action. That’s why I created my Come Home to Yourself program. I’ve seen so many instances where people thought they could manage a little longer or they simply weren’t quite miserable enough to take action now.

There are always seemingly reasonable reasons why this is not the moment to change. And I get it because change takes effort and it can be scary. But there will be so much more to fix when you wait for the dreaded wake-up call to wake you up.

Please don’t do that.

Yes, of course, I’d love to support you in coming home to yourself so you love your life again, so you feel happy, you’re healthier and more comfortable in your own skin and in your own life.

But that’s not what this is about.

Wherever you go to find the support you need to get where you want to go, please do that and do that now if you recognized any of the signs in this article. Not next week or next month. Now.

Let me put it this way. If nothing changed in your life and in one year your life looked exactly the same, would you be overjoyed? If so, then there’s no need to take action.

If part of you dreads having to make do with the situation much longer, then this is your cue to take action.

And if you’d like that support to be with me—the door is open.

If you’re ready to come home to yourself, you’re welcome to join my 6-week Come Home to Yourself program. Learn more about it here. Early bird discount ends Friday September 11^th.

And if you speak Dutch, you can join the in-person workshop on Saturday September 26^th. Read more here.