You matter. And you might be killing yourself trying to prove it.

Our two most fundamental needs are to be worthy and to feel loved. It is something we all need to function well and feel like we belong.

Belonging isn’t just nice to have—it’s fundamental to our survival. In prehistoric times, when you were not part of the group, you were in danger. That’s hardwired in our brain and it influences how we behave to this day.

The problem is that the way we go about securing those two essential needs is often all wrong.

Society is rigged

We’re taught to play by the rules. To be nice. To pay attention to what other people think.

So we bend ourselves backwards trying to obtain someone else’s approval—to be seen as valuable and worthy. It starts with our parents, followed by our teachers and sports coaches, then our boss.

If you’re thinking “Oh, that’s not me!” Hang on. You might not care about what your parents thought or even your boss.

But I bet there’s someone you want to impress. It could be the person you’re in love with or secretly look up to. Whoever it is, it influences how you show up.

It might encourage you to put your best leg forward (as we say in Dutch). But more often than not it compels us to push through and do more than is healthy for our body, our mind, our emotional well-being. Or to show up differently than who we truly are.

Whether it’s people pleasing, fitting in, ignoring your own needs or simply finding it hard to say no. We force ourselves to do something that isn’t natural.

As Elizabeth said in the Atlanta workshop:

“I realized that my desire to be seen as valuable was shared by many of the other women in the room, women I already see as strong and successful. Iris helped me see that the headaches I had so often were likely my body’s way of showing me the ill effects of my unreasonable demands I’d put on myself.”

Showing up as your best self is great. Forcing your body to do more than it has energy or capacity for not so much. That’s a shortcut to health problems.

We pay with our health

No, I’m not talking about incidental work sprints or having to support someone who’s ill or bereaved. I know we always have reasons or arguments why our situation is different—but this isn’t about a crisis or occasional deadline.

I’m talking about the structural ways we often deplete ourselves.

How we push through precisely because we think we need to prove our worth. To ourselves, to the people that matter.

It starts with the way we’re conditioned. Although our parents and caretakers mean well and intend the best, they inadvertently infuse us with the same (or similar) programming they grew up with.

Everyone does their best but we end up with a society that’s not healthy. Burnout numbers are surging. Chronic disease runs rampant. Many people are emotionally bankrupt.

None of these things happen overnight. We deplete ourselves one decision at a time. I prioritized cleaning the house over taking a nap, showing up as the perfect girlfriend over allowing myself space to recover, and perfectionism at work over acknowledging my limits—because I believed that was needed in order to be valued. It all contributed to getting burned out at age twenty-four.

I believe it’s because we’re so out of touch with what we need—what our bodies need—to be healthy and balanced. Happy even. Not the fleeting chocolate, ice-cream or Netflix happy. But true joy from the inside out. From knowing we belong. Not because we ‘bought’ it by checking imaginary boxes—but because we can feel that worth inside ourselves.

How to change that

Changing the way we show up in our lives needs to start at the beginning. By changing the programs that run unseen in the back of our brain. The problem is that we can’t see our own programming because we’re so used to it—it’s invisible.

That’s why I created the 3-hour virtual retreat Discover where you lost yourself and how to find your way back.

I’ll help you see the programming that’s running your life.

This virtual retreat is happening on Wednesday July 8^th.

Learn more here

No worries if you can’t join live—you’ll get a replay!

You’ll leave knowing the two key beliefs that are getting in your way and how to begin changing them. That’s the beginning of more energy and joy. Better health.

As Elizabeth also said:

“Although we met for just a few hours, Iris was able to help us reveal some of the beliefs and patterns that were doing us harm and help us see how to start recognizing them when they show up.

If you’ve ever wondered why you can’t seem to let yourself rest, I’d recommend spending a few hours in a room with Iris. You’ll leave with a clearer picture of why.”

If that sounds good, I hope you’ll join us.

Get your seat here. Only 20 participants.

I believe this retreat is one of the most important three hours you can give yourself right now. Not because it fixes everything but because you can’t change what you can’t see.

Please let me know if you have any questions about joining.

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a life transformation mentor with 20+ years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life’s demands have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. When you feel life should be more than this, contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again. 

Follow her on LinkedIn and Instagram.