You’re not the problem. Your programming is.

Early June I gave the workshop Discover where you lost yourself and how to find your way back in Atlanta, USA. It was a wonderful group of highly successful, highly ambitious women who were curious where and how they might have gotten off track.

They felt comfortable to be vulnerable and share from the heart. As a participant said “We left the room with important insights and useful tools. There was so much great conversation.”

Part of that conversation was realizing how they got away from themselves—and the impact that had on their lives and health.

These are the five common signs that you’ve lost touch with yourself:

1. You say ‘yes’ when you feel like saying ‘no’.
2. You’re so busy doing what’s expected that you never stop to ask: Is this what I actually want?
3. You doubt your instincts or ignore your intuition.
4. You’re not entirely sure who you are or what makes you happy.
5. You look successful on the outside but you’re not happy on the inside.

If you recognize any of these, it’s an indication that you too have veered away from who you truly are.

How we got disconnected

Our upbringing and cultural conditioning programs us to behave in certain ways. We become used to acting in ways that are expected and encouraged. We fit in in order to feel safe, seen and loved.

While there are many logical reasons why we do this—and why our parents and teachers encourage us to conform—it’s crucial to realize that all this conforming takes its toll.

When we believe that our worth is tied to how much we get done, we’re more likely to push our body beyond what’s healthy.

When we feel we must meet expectations and do what’s ‘right’, when we’re afraid to disappoint people—we don’t follow what’s right for us.

When we think we should tone ourselves down (or up) to fit in, be liked or accepted—we squash our uniqueness and the brilliance the world needs from us. But more importantly, we’ll feel like who we are is not appreciated or valued. We believe we need to perform in order to belong or be safe.

Don’t wait

Often, we do this until we’re faced with a huge wake-up call.  When we have no other option but to do things differently.

I wish for you that you don’t wait for the wake-up call.

Make changes now, while there is less to fix. Less damage to your body, less impact on the people you love, on the work that you do.

I know you might not listen. You will likely think that you have more time, more energy to spare—before you hit that wall. Before you hit rock bottom. Before you’re faced with that dreaded wake-up call.

I see it all the time. People who are so used to their current circumstances that they think they can hang on a little longer. They prefer to remain what I call comfortably miserable. That’s when you’re not quite happy where you’re at, but not yet unhappy enough to do something about it.

Or they simply feel that change is so scary or so much work that they’d rather stay where they are at.

And it backfires. Every Single Time.

We fix the symptoms

We’re so used to keeping going with our life—to stay productive and not inconvenience anyone—that we push through.

When stress wreaks havoc on our body, we battle the symptoms.

We take a pill for the headache, visit the physical therapist to fix our neck and shoulders, get a cream for our rash.

We never stop to wonder how we can take away the stress. How we can stop pushing our body beyond its limits when it clearly tells us something is off.

Instead of dealing with the obvious cause for all these problems—too much stress and not enough rest—we find ways to be less impacted by the physical reminders that our body is out of balance.

I’ve done it. I see many people around me do the same. And for things way more impactful (and risky) than I’ve described above.

For me doing what I believed was right and needed led to burnout at the age of 24. Before you think “Oh, but that won’t happen to me.” I thought the exact same thing. So did the hundreds of thousands of people who burned out last year.

Don’t stick your head in the sand. But don’t blame yourself when you’ve pushed your body and mind too far either.

The real solution

There’s no point in being mad because you’re running the programs you were expected to run.

You’re doing exactly what you were told to do all along. Except now you’re starting to wake up and see there’s another way to move forward.

Give yourself grace.

And then do something about the subconscious programming—your (limiting) beliefs and shoulds.

So if you’ve recognized yourself in any of what I wrote above. If you feel like maybe you lost touch with who you truly are, then I highly recommend that you take action.

Talk to a friend, hire a mentor, or join the virtual retreat Discover where you lost yourself and how to find your way back that’s happening on Wednesday July 8^th.

If you’ve read this far, I suggest you pause for a moment and decide how you’re going to make a change. Don’t think you’ll make time for that tomorrow. Carve out two minutes for yourself right now.

Your future self will thank you. Your body will too.

Because in order to come home to yourself, first you need to discover where you got lost—and that’s exactly what we’ll do together on July 8th.

You can learn more about the virtual retreat here. You’ll get a replay if you can’t join live.

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a life transformation mentor with 20+ years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life’s demands have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. When you feel life should be more than this, contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again. 

Follow her on LinkedIn and Instagram.