Stop being comfortably miserable

I see far too many people set the bar (too) low for life. So many are apparently okay being comfortably miserable.

What is comfortably miserable?

Comfortably miserable is what I call it when you’re not quite happy where you’re at, but not yet unhappy enough to do something about it.

When your relationship isn’t bringing you joy—but you’re not fighting all the time, so you stay.

When your job isn’t exciting or fulfilling or even enjoyable—but it pays the bills.

When your body is giving you nudges that it’s out of sorts—but you can push past the headache, brain fog or stiff shoulders, so you keep going.

I’m not saying you should quit your job or end your relationship the moment it doesn’t make you happy. But I’m asking you to notice.

Don’t plough through, keeping your head down, hoping things will miraculously get better. They won’t.

When you want things to change, talk to your partner or your boss. Tell them how you feel or what you need. You’ll never know what’s possible until you ask for it.

To be clear: I know what this is like. For quite a while I knew my marriage wasn’t what I had hoped it would be—or what I thought it should be. But it was a knowing beneath the surface. One that was far too easy to sweep under the carpet and pretend I hadn’t seen that.

It’s like I had moments of clarity that I pushed away because it was too uncomfortable and because I had no idea how to change things.

I was (unconsciously) deciding that change was worse than staying in the familiar situation. I was often unhappy but not yet uncomfortable enough to propel change.

Why do people stay comfortably miserable?

The problem is that we get used to our situation. People become so used to their current circumstances that they think they can hang on a little longer. Often changes happen so gradually that we don’t notice the lack of enthusiasm, energy or happiness until we wake up one day and wonder what happened.

And then often one of these kicks in:

1. We’re creatures of habit. We like things to be predicable and familiar. Change is scary, we prefer to stay in the known.
2. We don’t know how to change things. So we don’t take action.
3. Change is a lot of work—and we may feel too tired to even begin.

We delude ourselves

We think we need to sit it out and pray things will get better eventually.

Or we say it’s just a phase. “Of course, I’m busy/exhausted/stressed. I have a full-time job and a family.” Or whatever your example is.

We assume things will get better when this project is finished/ the kids go to school or leave the house/when I retire. Or any other excuse you tell yourself.

And that makes me sad.

I’m reminded of someone who always skipped his lunchbreak and worked overtime so he could retire a few months earlier. He was putting part of his life on hold until later. Except later he got dementia and he doesn’t seem to be fully conscious of life anymore.

Don’t postpone your life. You’re living now and you never know how many more sunrises you get.

Raise the bar

I believe it’s important to raise the bar and have higher expectations of life. Not in an entitled way. But because I believe when you are happier, when you feel at home with yourself and in your life, you’ll experience less stress and that ripples through in your health. You’ll be more enjoyable to be around, more productive and creative. It will be easier to see solutions and most importantly: you’ll be happier!

In my situation: I had swept my unhappiness under the carpet for so long that we had grown apart. I’ll never know if we would’ve made it if one of us had sounded the alarm bell sooner and we had consciously worked more on our relationship.

The answer isn’t to quit but to look at your situation with clarity. To explore possible changes and take charge of your life and your happiness.

If you’ve ever wondered “Is this all there is too life? Shouldn’t there be more?”, that’s a clear indication to take inventory of your life.

You can take my 5-minute happiness test here.

Taking this happiness assessment is a powerful first step to getting clearer on what needs to change.

Here’s to loving your life!

PS If you’d like support making changes in your life or get a fresh perspective on your situation, then private mentoring might be right for you. Read more here about Life Transformation Mentoring.

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a life transformation mentor with 20+ years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life’s demands have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. When you feel life should be more than this, contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again. 

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