How to break free from perfectionism

I used to think I had to be perfect to be anything. To be loved, to be appreciated, to be seen, to be valuable. You name it. Not on a conscious level. No, I just had “high standards.” And I expected others to live up to those. More importantly, I had to be flawless at everything myself. I worked long hours and I check-check-double-checked everything.

I remember my marketing manager saying to me, “Iris, 80% for you is 110% for most people.” I was spending a lot of time and energy to get to what felt like 100% to me. With hindsight, I’m guessing not many people would even have noticed the difference. That’s obviously not what I thought at the time.

Let’s unpack what’s at the core of perfectionism for many people and how to start being less perfect—and be okay with that.

Our innate need for perfectionism

We can’t talk about perfectionism without mentioning Brené Brown. What Brené says in this interview with Oprah Winfrey sums it up really well:

“The data showed that perfectionism isn’t striving for excellence or a healthy striving. It’s a cognitive behavioral process. A way of thinking and feeling that says ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame, and judgement.’”

What it comes down to is that we’re afraid to be seen for who we truly are and not measure up. So we pretend and focus real hard on being perfect and hide behind that. Because we all want to belong and be loved.

Perfectionism may prevent us from being hurt (to an extent) but it also stops us from being seen and connecting to others on a deeper level.

Letting go of perfectionism

Letting go of the idea that I needed to be perfect has been quite a journey, and I’m still getting better at it. In order to manage and grow your business or career, your relationships and life, you have to let go of perfectionism or you will not get much done. There are always things to be improved and adjusted. If I were to wait until I did everything perfectly, I would not be able to offer much to my clients. Or ever finish writing my books. And that would serve no one. People are not asking for perfect. They want genuine contact, a true and loving connection, and high-quality experiences.

The real reason we’re drawn to perfectionism is because it serves a deeper need.

TRUTH: We think perfection is a failproof way to be liked, accepted, and appreciated— but denying who we are and what is truly important to ourselves is a guaranteed way to be exhausted, drained, and miserable.

The very thing we believe is a surefire way to happiness often accomplishes the opposite.

I thought I was growing by being perfect. That I was being my best by being perfect. Instead, I was limiting myself and slowing down my growth. I was not only hampering the growth of myself and my business, but it was agonizing, frustrating, exhausting, and not at all rewarding.

What to do instead

Brené Brown calls herself a recovering perfectionist, and that’s because it’s a process to let go of the habit of striving for perfectionism. It means dropping the shield and showing more of yourself.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen

Nowadays I ask myself, Is it good enough for what I’m trying to accomplish? I can always come back to it later if I feel I must. Sometimes I do go back and change things, but more often it turns out it’s not perfect but pretty good. And certainly good enough!

That may seem like a small step but by giving yourself permission to stop needing to pretend and let people see more of who you are, you’re beginning to release the hold perfectionism has on you.

I’m not talking about lowering your standards and doing a lousy job. This is about stopping to hide behind a veneer of perfectionism and starting to show the world more of your true self. Quirks and flaws included.

Do you strive for perfection?

It may be in your job or business, in your relationship or your household, in the way you take care of the kids, connect with friends, or how you present yourself. Ask yourself if there is a specific area where you tend to aim for perfect and thus are getting in the way of yourself.

I know from experience that trying to be perfect is a great way to avoid many other things. It’s like saying, “please like me and think I am good enough.” It is similar to wanting to be needed. That is another way of proving to yourself and others that you matter.

I believe the solution is deep inside you. Not inside others and what they think.

The solution

You need to like who you are and learn to love yourself. By taking better care of yourself through managing your energy and becoming aware of what you need and how to set boundaries, you are signaling to yourself that you DO matter and that it’s important to take good care of you.

We can be so harsh on ourselves; so much harder than we would ever be on anyone else. In fact, if we witnessed someone treating another person as we sometimes treat ourselves we would probably be shocked and say something about it. Plus, perfectionism is exhausting; it takes up so much time and energy!

I know self-love is a big topic. But when you’re being a perfectionist it’s safe to say you’re trying to ‘buy’ your way in to being liked, rather than deciding to like and love yourself first.

Perfection Paralysis

I wasn’t sure I would talk about perfection paralysis. Because it’s embarrassing to admit I suffer from it. Perfection paralysis means you would prefer not do something at all rather than risk messing it up. In other words, if you are not certain you are able to do it the way it is supposed to be done (read: to your perfect standards), then instead you avoid doing it altogether. Because hey, at least you didn’t ruin it!

For me, this plays out with laundry. I happily blame my mother for that. She’s the laundry guru. In fact, she’s a walking Wikipedia when it comes to pretty much anything, not just household stuff. She’s the queen of removing stains. When your former boyfriend calls to ask if you have tips on how to remove the stain from his favorite shirt (some of my mom’s laundry skills rubbed off on me), you know what time it is.

Back to my laundry. For years I had a few permanent residents at the bottom of my hamper. A flimsy silk nightgown I bought in Italy and the anti-fly net from my visit to Uluru, Australia. I didn’t want to wash them to shreds. Instead I didn’t wash them at all. I’m laughing out loud as I type this, because of course it’s ridiculous.

When I moved, my mom found these poor ones at the bottom of my laundry bag. Mom rescued them and offered to take them with her to wash. Yay! Problem solved. For now.

Anyway, I decided to share this in case you have perfection paralysis in some area of your life. I know, chances are slim. Likely it’s not about your delicate laundry, either. 😉 But on the off-chance you recognize the tendency, consider this your nudge to perhaps outsource the problem.

Where does your perfectionism show up?

In which areas of your life do you tend to want to do things perfectly? Is it in your job, your relationships, the way you do things in the house? What comes to mind first? Then start there.

I highly recommend you take the time to see where you are holding yourself to ridiculous standards, where you can start doing things a little less perfectly—and you will get a lot of time and energy in return!

Perfectionism promises safety and belonging but delivers exhaustion and getting further away from yourself. When I finally gave myself permission to be “good enough,” I didn’t just get back precious time and energy—I discovered who I am when I’m letting go of the protective armor of perfectionism. And which fears of being inadequate were lurking underneath. That’s what I want for you, too!

It’s not an easy process but so worth it!

PS If you’d like support in releasing your perfectionism and coming back to your true self, my private mentoring might be right for you. You can read more about working with me here.

Need support navigating your life? Iris van Ooyen is your guide to hope when life feels uncertain. In the moments when you feel lost and don’t know where to turn, Iris offers clarity, support, and a path forward. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to help you navigate life’s pivotal crossroads with confidence and purpose.

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