When all that is left is surrender

Surrender is hard. It sounds simple in principle but I think it’s one of the hardest things we can do.

Because we like to stay in control. Because we think we know the best way to achieve a result. Or because we’re afraid of what will happen.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about what surrender really is. Let me start by telling you what it is not.

Surrender ≠ giving up

Surrender ≠ not caring

Surrender ≠ indifference

What is surrender?

Surrender is trusting the flow. It’s when you stop taking forceful actions to make something happen and begin to trust the process to unfold.

It often requires us to shift from our head to our heart. To quiet the noise and busyness and lean in to the whispers of our heart and inner wisdom.

Surrender feels uncomfortable because we resist it. I think part of the discomfort is the friction between what is and what should be. It’s the tension of holding on too tight.

Usually we don’t surrender unless we’re at the end of our rope. Very few people live in a state of surrender.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly surrendered without crying. Often surrender felt like failure.

When I had nothing left to give, when there was nothing left to do—I finally let go.

The Cambridge dictionary says surrender is accepting defeat. So it makes sense we postpone it for as long as we can.

But while that definition might technically be correct, that’s not what I mean when I talk about surrendering in this context.

It’s not about surrendering to an enemy—but to life.

What if surrender isn’t about accepting defeat but accepting you can’t do this on your own? That you need help. Help from other people, from God or the Universe.

It’s realizing you can’t willpower your way through this situation. And once you surrender, you can often feel the shift in your body. A feeling of relaxation where first there was tension or tightness.

My personal surrender

Right after my divorce, I was looking for a new home. With so many things up in the air, I was looking for some clarity—and surrender was not on my mind. Long story short, it meant I visited a lot of houses and it just never was the right neighborhood for me.

After a couple of months, I remembered that a good friend of mine, and a realtor, had told me, “Iris, if you want to live in Breda, call me because I know this place inside out and I’ll help you find a place.” And I told him no at the time—so stuck in my head I thought it was too close to where I used to live.

Until after all these months of searching, I drove home frustrated from yet another house visit, and I was reminded of what he’d offered. So I called him and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

And he said, “Make a list of what your ideal house has—the character traits, your desires for this home—and call me back tomorrow.” I sat down and made a list, stream of consciousness, poured out all the things I wanted.

When I read my list to him the next day he paused for a moment and said, “You’ve just described my home.”

It turned out he had just moved in with his girlfriend and his house was vacant. He didn’t want to rent it out, but he said, “You can stay there and then we can find a house for you without having to decide too quickly.”

Within a week I suddenly had a new place to move into. And a couple months later a different house came for sale in that exact street and I ended up buying it. I happily lived there for 13 years.

So once I surrendered—once I let go of what I thought was a good idea of where to live, once I stopped visiting all these houses that were not going to be a match for me—suddenly I was back in the flow and things moved so fast. And it’s just a beautiful example of how magic happens when you let go, when you trust, when you surrender.

My invitation to you:

What’s a situation in your life where you’re struggling or where things are not in the flow? What would it take for you to lean into surrender?

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a life transformation mentor with 20+ years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life’s demands have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. When you feel life should be more than this, contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again. 

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