Do this before you quit your job or end your relationship

I’ve had clients who were so stressed, exhausted or unhappy that they thought changing jobs, taking a sabbatical or getting a divorce was the only way to solve the problem. The good news is that that’s rarely true. Chances are you can’t see the forest for the trees and you need some support getting centered and focused again.

Let’s take a look at how this works so you‘ll know how to support yourself if you ever feel like pulling the plug is the only solution.

[To be clear: in the case that something is obviously wrong (neglection, abuse, unsafe work environment etc.) you should definitely run for the hills!]

As you probably heard me say before, self-care is crucial. It is the foundation for everything else. And self-care is something most of us still have to learn or become better at. Most of us don’t think about self-care until we’re sick or miserable. We’re simply too busy being productive and living life.

I’ve had clients come to me more than once, thinking they had to cut all ties with their spouse because this simply was not working for them. Then after they had taken all the steps they could to care for themselves so they were no longer drained, they realized there were a few changes to be made in the relationship, but that the changes were all doable.

Often it’s a matter of communicating one’s needs. I’ve seen relationships flourish after clients learned how to give themselves what they needed in a balanced way. Giving yourself what you need does include asking for support—just to be clear.

The ‘beep’ system

It’s a bit like what we here in The Netherlands call the ‘beep system’. As long as there is no ‘beep’—as in no one is complaining—there’s no need to fix anything or do things different.

Except when it comes to caring for yourself, when you inevitably do get that ‘beep’ it means you’re sick, exhausted, overwhelmed or otherwise miserable. You’ve systematically depleted yourself to the point where more drastic measures are needed to get back to balance.

I want you to know what to do before you get to that point. I want you to be able to steer clear from burnout before you have exhausted yourself, or before you have depleted your reserves and you feel the only way to survive is to quit your job or leave your partner because you barely have the bandwidth to think straight, let alone deal with another human being.

The true problem

When you feel like pulling the plug on your job or relationship is the only solution, very often there’s another problem underneath that’s muddying the waters.

And that problem is that you simply don’t have the bandwidth. You literally don’t have the energy—physically, mentally and emotionally—to do anything else. And in that depleted state you want to cut away the thing that’s bothering you most.

So when your boss or partner asks for one more thing, you may feel like your life would be so much better without them wanting things from you.

It may sound overly simplistic when I say it like this, but that’s what it comes down to.

In your need for space and calm you want to simplify things and take away stimuli and complexity. And since your partner or colleagues seem to be adding to your misery—they need to go!

While in truth they are not the problem, your lack of energy is. The amount of tension, overwhelm or anxiety has built up to the point where you simply Can’t Take One More Thing.

So you say Enough! Except taking your relationship or job out of the equation is only a short-term solution. It likely never was the real problem.

The true problem is that you’ve overdone things for so long that you are overwhelmed and depleted to the point that you could scream. And maybe you already have.

There’s been a period in my life where I yelled at far too many people—simply because I was so overstimulated I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Signs you don’t have a lot of bandwidth left

• You’re easily irritated.
• Instead of being able to craft an elegant response to a request, you’re blunt or even rude.
• You cry more easily than usual.
• You feel tired or exhausted.
• You forget things (because your short-term memory isn’t working properly.)
• You feel overwhelmed, overstimulated or plain miserable.
• You feel anxious.
• Your physical body is giving off signs of discomfort or disbalance.
• You yell at people when you normally wouldn’t.

These are some of the most common signs. You may notice other things in your body, emotions or productivity that feel off compared to how you normally feel or behave.

What can you do about it?

I recommend you start by assessing your energy and stress level. When you’re exhausted or stressed, you’re much more likely to take things personal.

I’ve developed a powerful tool to help you get clear on your energy and stress level: the Burnout Scan.

You can now use this powerful assessment for free (for a limited time).

Click here to take the complimentary Burnout Scan

If you land in phase 3 or 4, you’ll know that your first priority is taking good care of yourself and restore your well-being before you’re able to see clearly whether ending that relationship or job is the true solution. It might be. But by assessing your bandwidth (or lack thereof) first, you’ll know for certain that you’ll be drawing conclusions based on the right information and frame of mind.

I highly recommend you take advantage of this powerful tool to get clear on how you’re doing. A friend recently took the Burnout Scan and it made her realize she needed to uplevel her self-care in order to not get in trouble.

In addition, you can read more about self-care basics for your body and mind in this previous article.

Have a day full of energy and inspiration!