Why she needs to tell you everything (and how to enjoy listening)

For a woman, it’s crucial to know her partner is paying attention when she shares something—that ingrained need stems from evolutionary patterns.

Listening is a key component to building trust. Today I’ll share why, and how both men and women can make that process more joyful.

Men don’t always feel like listening to endless stories at the end of the day, and understandably so. Like what my friend Mark Schaefer shared in his latest blog:

“At the end of each day, my wife loves telling me about her work. It’s often a struggle for me to pay attention, as her detailed stories often go down rabbit holes involving obscure friends of friends … of friends. By the time we connect on her stories, I’m tired. And yet I’m determined to hang with her because this is important to her, and my attention reinforces that what she does is good, and important and worthy.”

I immediately realized Mark’s wife was giving him a daily meadow report. (Thanks for providing me inspiration for this article, Mark!)

Tony Robbins introduced me to the concept of meadow reports. He explained that men and women have different attention styles left over from our hunter/gatherer days.

Hunters hunt. They do one thing and their job is to solve the problem (kill the bison) and bring it home—hoping when they do that they will see a celebration for the victory.

Gatherers have a different job. Their job is to go out and find all the berries and other food. They need to know what grows where, which bush didn’t survive the winter, which fruits are about to get ripe etc.

Gatherers need to remember all the details so they can get back to that exact spot at the exact right time when the fruit is ripe and before the animals get to it or the family won’t survive. Because this is vital information a woman needs to tell others about the ‘berry markers’ so the tribe will survive when something happens to her. Details are crucial because the difference between a healthy berry and a poisonous one might be minuscule.

Genetically women are much better at details than men—because they had to be. It was literally a survival skill.

Understanding this evolutionary background helps explain so many everyday relationship moments that might otherwise feel frustrating or confusing.

I tell myself to keep this in mind whenever I’m getting annoyed that my brother/father/boyfriend can’t find something that is right in front of them. I can’t tell you how many times my father said the product wasn’t in the fridge when I could clearly see it on the second shelf. My mother or I would say “It’s right there!” and not understand how he could miss it.

Genetics is why.

This brings us to what happens in modern relationships when these ancient patterns show up in our daily interactions.

What is a meadow report?

At the end of the day women share everything they experienced in the ‘meadow’. Giving you vital information to ensure the family will live (or so their instinct tells them.)

Even though most of us are no longer hunting and gathering our food, we still feel the need to share all the ‘berry markers’ we come across during the course of a day. Except the berries are now what so and so said at the coffee maker or in a meeting, the kind note you got, who cut you off on the freeway, the sale happening at your favorite store and the beautiful sunset you noticed on your way home.

Sharing this vital information is a sign of trust.

Here’s why this matters more than you might think: sharing daily details isn’t just conversation—it’s how trust gets built and maintained. As Tony Robbins explains:

“If a woman doesn’t tell another woman the meadow report of what just went on, they know they are not trusted and the relationship is on the edge.”

Showing interest in someone’s meadow report shows the trust was well-placed and it likely prevents frustration and possible conflicts. You’ll help your partner (or friend) feel valued and understood.

What makes it harder to listen

To solve this communication gap, we need to understand why listening to meadow reports can feel so challenging for hunter-minded people.

Hunters ask two questions when you talk:

1. What’s the point? (And they often have a hard time figuring that out when you talk about your day.)
2. How can I fix it? (And you don’t want them to fix it, you want them to listen with attention.)

If your meadow report has no other point than sharing, and they are not allowed to fix it, it is confusing and much harder for a man to pay attention.

The good news? Once you understand these different communication styles, you can work with them rather than against them. Here’s how:

Giving a meadow report

Whether you identify more with the ‘gatherer’ or ‘hunter’ communication style regardless of gender, these strategies can help bridge different communication needs in any relationship.

As with anything, awareness is key.

Ideally start by saying that you’re about to give your meadow report so your partner knows what to expect and can mentally prepare and be present.

Though you’re honoring an ingrained need by giving your meadow report, it doesn’t mean you can’t be more conscious about how you structure it. Tony Robbins suggests making it fun and include things that made you happy too (rather than just complain or share bad news.)

Tip: Experiment with being deliberate about how you phrase your report of the day—and how long you make it. (Ideally less than fifteen minutes. Ten is better.)

Receiving a meadow report

It may help to remember that getting the meadow report is a token of trust. And when you know what to expect, you can consciously tune in and focus on what she has to say. Realizing the act of listening is important and how that helps build and maintain trust in the relationship might make it easier to stay present and connected. Understanding it’s not really about that sale or what the friend of a friend said, but that sharing shows you’re worthy of the berry report. And she needs to know you’re valuing her sharing by paying attention.

What might be helpful for women to remember is that men don’t give meadow reports. So when you ask a man how it was at work and he says “Fine.” That doesn’t mean you can’t trust him because he’s not giving you details. Men are simply wired differently.

Reaping the fruits

Mark, as mentioned above, instinctively knew that listening to his wife mattered—and for more reasons than he anticipated. Despite being tired, he chose to hang with her and in doing so showed that not only what she does mattered—but who she is.

Are you paying (enough) attention to what your partner or friend shares? If not, try to remember the importance of receiving the meadow report. It’s an innate need and when you’re not meeting that need, a woman might eventually decide to go share her report elsewhere—corroding trust.

When you’re single

If you don’t have a significant other to share your daily berry markers with, make sure you have a friend who you can call or talk to. Most nights I take a walk with my mother and we go over our day. I’m also fortunate to have friends with whom I can share the day-to-day events. It’s so important. Even more so when you’re also a solopreneur.

I think this is sometimes why people who live alone may sound like a “speech waterfall” (as we say in Dutch). When you can recognize the need they have to share it might make it easier not to be annoyed that they’re monopolizing the conversation 😉

The next time someone shares their meadow report with you, remember: they’re not just telling you about their day—they’re showing you trust. And your attention? That’s how you honor that trust and strengthen your connection. Start today. Listen with intention. Watch what happens to your relationship.

Need support navigating your life? Iris van Ooyen is your guide to hope when life feels uncertain. In the moments when you feel lost and don’t know where to turn, Iris offers clarity, support, and a path forward. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to help you navigate life’s pivotal crossroads with confidence and purpose.

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