What authenticity really means (and why it's so hard)

September 16, 2025

Being ourselves isn’t always easy. It’s something we want most and often find hard to embrace. Because we’re afraid of what others might think.

I’m often afraid of being too much. Too intense or laughing too loud. That last bit I happily blame on my mother. She’s extremely sensitive to sound and I apparently have a very loud laugh. So I was often told to tone it down. As a result, I’ve gotten careful with being ‘too present’. Though it doesn’t always stop the loud laugh—which tends to simply bubble up. (Sorry mom.)

We all want to be authentic. But often that clashes with our need to fit in.

Our need to fit in

Let’s start by normalizing our need to fit in. As children we’re looking for the approval of our parents. And in addition, part of our upbringing is geared towards fitting in because standing out is often dangerous. And our parents obviously want us to be safe. (And not too loud.)

As adolescents we feel the need to be accepted by our peers—since that is our safeguard for the future. Our peers are the ones we rely on to protect our back or stand guard at the fire when we sleep.

Or as Jim Carrey said in this commencement speech:

“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.”

If you combine these ingrained needs with the rules of society, it’s no wonder most of us struggle to find our voice and be true to ourselves. Couple that with our presence on many different platforms on social media and things get tangled.

What is authenticity?

I love this definition from Brené Brown.

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Brené makes it clear that authenticity is a conscious decision. Something you get to choose again and again by being deliberate about how you show up.

Authenticity is not something passive or a thing you can do once and be done with. It requires daily intention to show up as yourself.

In order to be successful and happy, I think being authentic is the only way to go in the long run. What makes it hard is that we’re not always pleased with who we are or what makes us different. And when you haven’t fully embraced that—being authentic can feel scary, unsafe or forced at best.

If that’s the case for you, then you’ll need to do some inner work to get to the point where you can accept most of who you are—if not all of it. Not an easy task. If I’m honest there are still parts of me that I haven’t yet fully embraced.

What makes this inner work so challenging is that it’s often more than just fear holding us back. Perfectionism whispers that we need to have it all figured out before we can show up authentically. Imposter syndrome convinces us that our real self isn’t (yet) good enough. And cultural conditioning teaches us that certain aspects of who we are aren’t acceptable or valuable.

These barriers are normal, but they’re also exactly what keeps us trapped in inauthentic patterns. Recognizing which ones resonate with you is the first step toward moving through them.

And I don’t mean that you need to show the world every little bit about yourself. Some things are private. But I think you need to be congruent in who you are and how you show up for people.

The closer that is to who you are deep down, the easier it will be to move through this world and the more powerful it will be. Because people can tell if there’s a mismatch.

Different personas

We often behave differently at work and at home—and logically so. I think the problems arise when we are basically different people in different situations. When you feel you need to squash or hide part of yourself in e.g. your work environment.

Some people even suggest using different personas for different online platforms and situations but I disagree.

That approach sounds both exhausting and non-authentic. Not to mention a lot of work.

If you feel like you’re being different people in different situations, then maybe this is the moment to stop and wonder if that’s how you want to continue living. And if you feel like you’ve somehow lost yourself over the years, know that you are not alone. It happens to many of us. It’s something I’ve supported many clients with.

Who are you?

I think it’s less about choosing the version of your authenticity and more about learning who you are at your core and allowing that to shine through. And doing so in the most appropriate and aligned way possible—which isn’t always easy but well worth the effort.

The hardest part is allowing your true self to shine through. I think that is a large part of the human struggle. Thinking we need to be something or someone else in order to fit in…

It’s a process of getting to know who you are and what you need in order to flourish. I think young children are authentic because they haven’t yet learned to filter their responses. Then as adults we need to unlearn some of that behavior.

By the way I’m not advocating unfiltered behavior because I believe there is an appropriate level of detail and personal information to be shared.

What matters most is that the things you DO share are aligned and true to you. And then in a personal conversation you might add more detail or depth that doesn’t need to be shared online.

Of course, those boundaries are not set in stone and only you can decide what is appropriate. On the one end there’s the playing it safe: I’m so boring because I’m afraid to stand out. At the other end of the spectrum you have oversharing or sharing forcefully because someone said you need to be more personal and share emotional stuff.

It’s about finding that balance.

There is a time and a place for deeply personal stories and people can sense whether you are sharing from the heart because you felt it was important or whether it’s a planned “It’s time for a tear jerker update” post or story.

There’s no one size fits all and what feels aligned for you might feel way out there for others—and that’s okay. Some of us are more private and others are fine being more open. That is part of what makes you YOU. And that’s what is most attractive.

Here’s my invitation to you: stop forcing it. Stop overthinking every word, every post, every interaction. If you’re afraid to be yourself, that’s where you need to start. You can’t be authentic when you don’t know or like who you are.

Getting to know and like yourself better is an investment in your happiness and well-being. You’re too important not to enjoy your life.

So how do you get started on becoming more of yourself?

How to get started with being more authentic

1. Get clear on what brings you joy.

What feels right and true to you? What are activities or ideas that feel forced or misaligned? Experiment with doing more of what resonates.

2. Set and protect your boundaries.

Being authentic means honoring your own needs and limits, and respecting those of others. Get clear on what your boundaries are and start upholding them.

3. Be true to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Living authentically means you stop trying to be someone you’re not. And that’s not always easy at first. Though it’s extremely rewarding once you get over the fear of what others think of you.

If these steps feel overwhelming or you’re not sure where to start, you don’t have to figure it out alone. In my transformative mentoring, we work together to uncover your authentic self at a pace that feels safe and sustainable. And if you’ve lost yourself along the way, I’ll help you find your way back.

“Iris helped me to identify where I had lost myself over the previous years. She gave me practical tips and valuable insights to improve my life. This helped me to feel more grounded, mindful and balanced but also to look at the recent events [divorce] with gratefulness and non-resistance as opposed to self-criticism and grief.” — Patrick Mouwen

Ready to explore working together? You’re invited to a free 15-minute Intro Call to help you get clear how I can support you in letting your true self shine through.

Need support navigating your life? Iris van Ooyen is your guide to hope when life feels uncertain. In the moments when you feel lost and don’t know where to turn, Iris offers clarity, support, and a path forward. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to help you navigate life’s pivotal crossroads with confidence and purpose.