Today I’ll share one of the reasons many holiday arguments occur and what to do instead. The way we view the world is colored through our own experiences, beliefs and preferences. When we unwittingly apply that filter to our conversations, it’s no wonder that we can feel a disconnect. Allow me to demonstrate.
I just got off the phone with a friend*. She complained about her husband and was not seeing her own part in the miscommunication.
I can’t blame her because none of us can see our own blind spots—hence the name. 😉
She needed a moment to vent and then said, “He told me he’s so grateful to me for everything I do.”
I thought, Oh good.
She then proceeds to say, “He is not showing me in one single way that he is grateful for everything I do.”
Ehm…
So I say to her, “But he just told you.”
“Yes, but he is not letting me know that he’s grateful. Not in any way!”
“Sweetie, he literally just expressed his gratitude.”
“But he is not showing it.”
This went on for a few rounds back and forth. Until she said, “But I don’t want him to tell me. I want a hug.”
Ah.
Their love languages were getting crossed. She expresses love through touch. He expresses love via words.
She was unable to hear what he said, let alone receive it.
The five love languages
Now let me pause for a moment and explain what the five love languages are—in case you’ve not heard of them or could use a refresher.
In his book The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman explains the different ways people give and receive love:
- Acts of service: for these people actions speak louder than words.
- Receiving gifts: receiving a heart-felt gift make them feel most loved.
- Quality time: this is about giving the other person your undivided attention.
- Words of affirmation: unsolicited compliments and words of encouragement mean the world.
- Physical touch: to these people nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.
Obviously knowing what someone’s love language is helps you understand whether you should give them praise, a hug, a gift, your time or help them out. And this is true for all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones!
Back to the conversation with my friend:
I had to take her through the exchange play by play to help her see that even though her husband didn’t use her preferred love language, he did in fact express his love and appreciation.
But because his way of expressing himself (words) didn’t meet her internal parameters (hug) she was blind to it.
This is how miscommunication happens. Not only do we have different preferences, but we think we hear the entire conversation when in truth we filter things out all the time!
We filter things out in a normal relaxed conversation. We do that even more when we’re tired or stressed. Guess how selective our hearing becomes when we’re having an argument?
I’m so grateful for this exchange with my friend because seeing this without being emotionally attached showed me how easily misunderstandings and disconnects occur. It drove the point home to a level I had not fully understood before.
When we each have our own version of the conversation going, it’s no wonder that we get annoyed, or worse. And it’s usually those closest to us that suffer the most. Because in less intimate connections we’re a bit more polished. 😉
So where are you getting your wires crossed with someone you love or work with? Where might you not be hearing, seeing or receiving what they in their mind are clearly communicating to you? And vice versa.
Worth considering, I think.
Quick tip:
Simon Sinek mentioned this last week in his podcast:
“There’s a rule we have at work that I absolutely love and it’s incredibly true. Which is, if the response is above a 5, it’s about something else. … The problem is we don’t listen to the volume; we listen to the words.”
I thought that was a powerful reminder. If the volume of what’s being said is over 5 (out of 10)—and it’s not from excitement—that’s a clear indication there’s another problem at play!
Keep these tips in mind as we’re going into the holidays. Many people are stressed or exhausted this time of year, so there’s a higher risk of misunderstanding. Probably one of the reasons so many holiday arguments occur.
Ask yourself “What might I not be hearing?” And be sure to listen to the volume—yours and the other person’s.
Wishing you happy holidays and a magical time with your loved ones!✨
