Losing people to life: why we grieve friends who are still alive

May 14, 2025

I grew up going to church every Sunday morning. And once a year there was a prayer that always puzzled me. We would pray for “those who lost someone to life or to death.”

I didn’t understand how you could lose someone if they were still alive. Wouldn’t you just go and find them? Every year I wondered how this was possible.

Then I grew up.

I finally understood.

I think another reason why that prayer stood out was because I felt a sense of despair whenever that was said. The sadness in the room and the people around me was always palpable.

Chances are you’ve lost people to life. I’m not talking about the individuals you lose track of because you change schools or jobs or towns. Most likely you didn’t leave those people with any animosity or ill will between you. You just went your separate ways because that’s where the current of life took you.

The impact of life events

Sometimes there are bigger events that ‘help’ you lose a large amount of people in one go. I didn’t need to see the research to know that one of the fastest ways to lose friends is to get divorced. I know from my own divorce that I lost touch with about half of my friends. At first, I thought that those friends had ‘chosen’ my ex-husband. But when I spoke to him about it those people seemed to have chosen neither of us. Apparently, the connection was as two couples, or they didn’t want to choose sides and as a result stepped away entirely.

I’m sure there are many other reasons that cause you to ‘lose’ people to life. One instance stands out for me. I even played an active role in that situation.

After my divorce I developed a close connection to a girlfriend who had been going through something similar. It was great to have someone who understood the intricacies of building a new life after letting go of so much. I changed and grew a lot as a person in that period and as a result my ‘bullshit tolerance’ went down. That’s how my mentor at the time called it.

I simply had no interest in rehashing sad stories and somehow I was unable to change that dynamic between us. I was done living in the past. I wanted to live in the present—looking forward to the future.

What you focus on you attract and create more of—and I was not willing to create more of that negativity. I needed to focus on something else. Something positive and uplifting, something inspiring.

The only way to break free from that negative spiral at the time was to stop interacting with that girlfriend, as sad as it was. It was not an easy decision and she was understandably upset.

What’s interesting is that we met again many years later and she said that with hindsight she understood.

Shifting currents

Of course we lose people in much subtler ways too:

Career success that creates distance from old friends who feel threatened.
Personal growth that reveals incompatibilities with people we once loved. There’s no one to blame when you literally grow apart. It’s simply a result of evolving at different rates or in different directions.
Mental health struggles that cause us to isolate or push people away.
Life transitions (parenthood, sobriety, grief) that shift our priorities.
Changes in financial status, health, you name it.

When life changes, new facets of a relationship or partnership come to the surface. And not everyone is equipped to deal with the new situation. Some people can’t handle sickness or loss (from others). They don’t know what to say and will avoid you as a result. I know someone who lost her best friend after losing her husband. Because her friend was incapable of dealing with the situation. One time she literally crossed the street to avoid having to talk to her widowed friend.

Having difficult conversations isn’t easy. But the ability to have them is an important part of navigating life. This Harvard article addresses the lost art of connecting. And stresses that embracing discomfort is part of forming friendships. Having the courage to have that tough talk and navigating that together might form a more powerful bond as a result.

If that doesn’t work then I think it’s better to tell someone you are done with the relationship rather than avoid them. It likely won’t be an easy conversation but the least you can give the other person is clarity. I think you owe them that much.

Transforming relationships

Sometimes relationships transform as you both grow. A dear friend comes to mind. We speak on an almost daily basis. Except when we don’t. There can be periods—at times months—that we don’t speak at all. But it’s never a loaded silence. It’s simply a ‘not now’ and we both know that we’ll reconnect when we’re both ready. And often we’ve both gone through some shift. It’s like we both need to recalibrate and then we’ll find each other again at a new wavelength.

Longer isn’t better

We often think that the length of a relationship is an indicator of its quality. Especially in romantic partnerships. I believe people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. One isn’t better than the other. The quality and intensity of the relationship is what makes it valuable. Not the amount of time.

The courage to change

The hard part is recognizing when the reason or season that you’re connected is over. Sometimes this is a very natural process where you simply drift apart with fond memories of the relationship. Other times it requires a more active approach. Either to rekindle the flame and reconnect, perhaps find new common ground or ways to support each other.

Or perhaps it’s time to pull the plug—which is never an easy decision nor one that should be taken lightly. But if you’ve tried to change the dynamic between you and your romantic partner or friend, and you can’t seem to get through to them, letting them go might be the only option left. If you think ending your relationship is the only answer, perhaps read this article first.

You don’t need to talk to all your friends all the time. There can be a natural ebb and flow. But it’s good to notice when the ebb becomes more of an absence and wonder if you want to revive the connection or whether you’re okay with a slow demise.

Just as we need to manage our physical energy, we need to be intentional about our relational energy. The people we surround ourselves with either fuel our growth or drain our reserves. Being proactive about your relationships can help you change the tide before a connection is lost to life.

Maybe this is a good moment to consider:

Which of your relationships can use extra loving attention?
Are there connections that have been in ‘ebb’ mode too long?
Is there someone you’ve been avoiding having a difficult conversation with?

Remember, losing people to life is as natural as the changing seasons. What matters is how consciously we navigate these transitions.

That childhood prayer no longer puzzles me. I understand now why we need to acknowledge those lost to life, not just to death. Both losses deserve our recognition, our grief, and ultimately, our acceptance. And perhaps most importantly, both remind us to treasure the connections we still have.

I realize I’m very fortunate that I haven’t lost any family members to life. I love the family I have and I look forward to our annual family weekend that’s coming up later this month. It’s always a highlight of the year.

Need support navigating your life? Iris van Ooyen is your guide to hope when life feels uncertain. In the moments when you feel lost and don’t know where to turn, Iris offers clarity, support, and a path forward. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to help you navigate life’s pivotal crossroads with confidence and purpose.