5 signs you’ve lost touch with yourself (and what to do)

Losing touch with ourselves is more common than you might think. As I shared earlier, I lost touch with myself but it happened so gradually, so sneakily, that I didn’t notice until a series of wake-up calls showed me how far I had drifted from my true self.

I want you to catch this earlier so here are five crucial indicators that you’ve lost touch with yourself:

1. You say ‘yes’ when you feel like saying ‘no’.

Someone asks you to do something and while you think Oh please no, you hear yourself saying “Sure I’ll do that.” You probably even manage to smile.

So why do we say yes when we don’t want to? It’s not just about boundaries. A lot of people say yes out of fear of what others might think (or do) if they say no. Others say yes out of obligation—because you’re supposed to help people and a good girl (or boy) says yes even if it costs them dearly. Some people never even consider that ‘no’ is an option.

In truth, most of us simply haven’t learned to put ourselves (and our needs) first.

TIP: Next time someone asks you something, pause. Ask yourself: Do I want to do this? Does it align with who I am?

And resist the temptation to explain why you’re saying no. As author Anne Lamott said: “No is a full sentence.”

2. You’re so busy doing what’s expected that you never stop to ask: Is this what I actually want?

You’re just plodding along, getting it all done without picking your head up to think about why. You’re so busy ticking things off your to-do list and doing everything that’s expected from you, that there’s no time or energy to wonder whether the activities you’re doing are aligned with who you are or bring you joy.

You function from obligation without pausing to ask yourself if you want to be doing it or if it’s the right thing to do. For you, your family, your job or the vision/dream/goal you have.

You’re simply going through the motions of life. That’s what I did.

For years, I sacrificed little pieces of myself to fit in. To meet expectations, to do what I thought was needed to be successful and belong—not that I realized it at the time. As a result I was miserable—even though I was checking all the boxes of what I thought I should be doing.

TIP: This week, pick one thing on your calendar. Before you do it, pause and ask: ‘Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think I should?’ Just notice—you don’t have to change anything yet.

3. You doubt your instincts or ignore your intuition.

Listening to your inner wisdom is not always easy. Most of us have been trained to trust our rational thinking above all else. And when you’ve spent a lifetime ignoring your intuition, it takes time and effort to learn to hear and trust your inner voice again.

We often rationalize a situation. When something looks good on paper and seems like the most logical choice, it’s hard to listen to that gut instinct that tells you not to move forward. Or to say yes despite how illogical it seems. And you’ve likely regretted it on more than one occasion. I know I did.

Like the time my intuition whispered not to hang my new bathing suit on the door hook—I’d forget it. But I didn’t want to put the wet suit on the floor so I ignored that inner nudge. And left it hanging when the door opened and took the suit out of sight. Never to be found again, even when I returned an hour later.

And I regret not listening to my instincts for bigger things as well.

TIP: Next time your intuition speaks up, take a moment to give yourself time to listen. Don’t rush your decision but try honoring your inner wisdom instead of talking yourself out of it.

4. You’re not entirely sure who you are or what makes you happy.

You’ve been so focused on your to-do list and taking care of everyone else that there’s not been enough time or energy left for you. Let alone for what you really want.

A client told me after filling in the intake form that just answering the questions I sent her made her emotional. She said “No one ever asks what I want.” That realization shocked her.

If you’re like her (or me) you might not have been focused on your own needs and desires. Most of us have trouble carving out enough time to rest and recharge. Time to do what lights you up might seem luxurious. But I believe it’s essential in order to stay healthy and sane. We can’t function on obligation alone.

TIP: Schedule some time to think about what you want, what makes you happy. If you don’t know the answer, that’s okay. It starts by becoming more aware by asking the question.

5. You look successful on the outside but you’re not happy on the inside.

You have no time or energy for the things that are really important to you—like spending time with family or friends, doing things that bring you joy, that fulfill you or light you up. You’re too busy doing things all the time!

You did everything you thought would make you happy. You checked all the boxes you believed led to success and you accomplished a lot. But when you take a moment to stand still and look at your life, you realize you’re not all that happy.

That’s what happened for me. I had the handsome husband, the brand-new house and the corporate job. And once I achieved everything I had always thought I wanted, I realized I was miserable. I was so focused on what I thought I should be doing, what I assumed would bring me joy that I forgot to stop and check how I was actually doing and feeling.

TIP: Take a moment to think back to something that used to light you up. Don’t judge yourself for not doing it (anymore). Just remember.

Reconnect to yourself

If you recognize yourself in any of these signs, that’s a clear indicator you’ve drifted away from your true self and what makes you happy.

When we go through the motions of life without staying consciously aligned with who we are and what we want from life it’s all too easy to get disconnected. To lose touch not just with who we are at our core and what lights us up, but with our body and what it needs to function well and stay healthy. To lose sight of what’s truly important and who you would like to spend your precious time with.

When what you really want is freedom to be yourself. To live in color. To love your life.

This is the journey I’ve lived. And it’s what I will share  in my brand-new online program ‘Come Home to Yourself.’ This powerful program helps get clear on where you’ve lost touch with yourself and how to reconnect to yourself and the true joy so that you love your life again.

Ready to find your way home? Get first access when doors open—at an exclusive pre-sale price only available to waitlist members.

You can register for the waitlist here.

Can’t wait that long? Check out my private mentoring program here.

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a life transformation mentor with 20+ years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life’s demands have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again. 

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