When life falls apart: 5 steps to navigate upheaval

May 19, 2025

Recently I wrote about how to wake up before the wake-up call shakes your world. But what if you missed all the signs or disaster strikes faster than you can avoid it?

How do you keep living life when everything seems to be falling apart around you? How do you take care of yourself while getting things done?

Well, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the incident is so big that life does stop, even if it’s for a few hours or days.

Just to be clear: not all upheaval can be avoided. The death of a loved one, an accident, the layoff that comes out of left field.

There’s no amount of alertness on the shifting currents of your life that can help you avoid some tragedies. But there are things you can do to support yourself (or others) when the worst things do happen. I wrote an article on staying centered in time of crisis that might be helpful.

Aside from dealing with the immediate consequences or taking needed actions to deal with a particular situation, here’s what I would recommend.

1. Take time to grieve

The loss of anything—whether it’s a dream, a job, a person, your health—hurts. There may be loss of opportunity. The loss doesn’t need to be tangible to be devastating. Sometimes the loss is only perceived. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions.

While you’re grieving make sure you take good care of yourself

2. Practice intentional self-care

Ground, ask for support, care for your body. Cry some more. Get out in nature. Ask for help—yes, again. Hug somebody. Make sure you keep eating. You can find more practical self-care tips in this article.

The eight-minute phone call

When you struggle asking for help or when you don’t want to bother your friends because you know they’re all busy or may be going through a hard time themselves, I want you to remember what Simon Sinek so eloquently shared in this 1-minute video.

Don’t rob your friends of the opportunity to support you. Ask them for an eight-minute phone call. Apparently that’s all we need to get back on track.

Who do you want to ask for an eight-minute phone call? I loved the idea Simon mentioned elsewhere to introduce your friends to the concept of the eight-minute phone call before the going gets tough. So that when you desperately need someone all you have to do is text “Do you have eight minutes?” They will know you need support right now and can prioritize contacting you.

Emotion eats energy like nothing else. I remember losing a lot of weight right after my divorce. Weight I didn’t have the luxury of losing. An act of self-care was buying one pair of jeans that fit. So at least I didn’t feel like I was drowning in my clothes. It felt like a splurge in a time of so much uncertainty but my mother convinced me it was a good idea. And she was right. Wearing jeans that fit gave me some sense of normalcy back rather than walking around in a constant reminder that things were off balance.

3. Find a way to accept the new situation

As long as you’re fighting what is, as long as you’re resisting the new situation—because you think you deserve better, it’s unfair, people misunderstood etc.—you won’t be able to move forward. You’re literally clinging to the past. Some people become bitter because they can never let go of a tragedy. They identify themselves with that sad situation so much that they can’t envision a new future. Let alone a better one.

You don’t want to cling to a past that has nothing to offer. No matter how justified your grief or indignation may be.

A lot of people refuse to accept something sad or upsetting that happened. Acceptance often is one of the hardest steps.

I think it’s because people tend to confuse acceptance of the situation with agreeing with what happened. You don’t have to agree with any of it but refusing to accept that this thing happened is shutting your eyes to what is. It’s already done. No matter how much you wish things were different, you can’t undo it—unless you have access to a time machine. What you do have control over is how you respond and move forward from here.

I know that accepting difficult life’s circumstances is no easy job. Getting to the point that I was ready to accept my burnout, for example, took me weeks—if not months.

Once I stopped resisting the fact that I was burned out, I was ready to look for a way out. It spurred quite some changes—some that were instant, others took years to formulate. But there is no point trying to understand how I had burned out or what needs to shift when I’m not ready to acknowledge and accept that I am.

The next step might help you with that.

4. Reframe what happened

What if life is happening for you, not to you?

I can’t know that for a fact but it’s something I’m choosing to believe. You can too. You can decide to believe that there is something better in store for you—and it’s making its way to you. Even when you can’t see it. Even when it feels like you’ve been stuck here forever. Even when it feels unfair.

Then remind yourself of that as often as needed: life is happening for me.

Another way to help you reframe the situation is to start saying “This thing happened.” Rather than “This thing happened to me.”

That helps you shift from victim mode to taking a step back and seeing that this situation—though it feels super personal—is something that happened as part of your life’s adventure. Will you let this event define you and your life from here on out, or will you choose to deal with what is and decide to move forward—taking any insights that this situation may have given you with you into the rest of your life?

What if you are exactly where you need to be? One of my earlier mentors once said “Rejection is God’s protection.” In my experience that is often the case. But you probably can see that only with hindsight. In the middle of the raw mess, you just have to trust that this is the case. And the choice to trust that is a conscious choice you can make. All the power lies in the meaning you attribute to something. You have full control over that.

5. Practice forgiveness

Who are you blaming for what happened? Who do you need to forgive for the role they played in this difficult situation? This may include forgiving yourself!

It may help to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone their behavior or what happened. Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person—but for yourself.

It’s your choice to not want to live with the weight of holding a grudge or clinging to that negative energy or emotion. By forgiving what happened you can release it and move forward rather than stay stuck in the past. You free yourself by forgiving another. A way to do that is to write a letter of forgiveness to that person (which you don’t actually send). You can read the letter out loud to yourself and you can either tear it up in pieces or burn it to help you let things go.

Forgiveness may take time. And you might not be ready to forgive someone yet. And that’s okay. Just know that setting the intention—being willing to forgive someone—opens the door to the moment that you are ready. It helps shift your focus from reinforcing what happened to opening the door to a new way of feeling and relating to the situation.

You can do this

I hope these tips help you bring some structure into an overwhelming situation. If you’re going through an especially difficult time in your life, know that I am sending you positive thoughts and a big virtual hug. I believe you can do this. And remember to ask your friends and loved ones for support. There is no need to do this alone and they can’t help you if you aren’t letting them know what you need.

The tools I’ve shared in this article are just the beginning. If you’re ready to go deeper and receive personalized guidance through life’s upheavals, my private mentoring program provides the structured support, proven strategies, and insight you need to not just survive but thrive. See how it’s transformed lives just like yours here.

Need support navigating your life? Iris van Ooyen is your guide to hope when life feels uncertain. In the moments when you feel lost and don’t know where to turn, Iris offers clarity, support, and a path forward. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to help you navigate life’s pivotal crossroads with confidence and purpose.