You always deserved this

Our two biggest needs are love and belonging. And somehow for most of us that translates in “I need to be worthy” in order to be loved or belong. And that’s where things become problematic.

Because we misunderstand what is required to be worthy.  Social conditioning tells us we need to earn worthiness. And that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

You’re worthy because you are. There’s nothing you need to do to become worthy or to deserve worthiness. You are worthy simply because you exist.

There’s no action you need to take. No bar, requirement, or standard you need to reach.

Yet most people struggle with feeling worthy. I do too.

So what’s our problem?

Thanks to social conditioning we believe we need to deserve being worthy. We think that in order to be loved and appreciated, we need to rack up points. And not just once but continuously.

We think we need to please our way into people’s hearts. That bending over backwards to take care of other people—often at our own expense—is a surefire way to make it into the hall of worthiness. That working hard makes us better people.

Beliefs that are tripping us up 

Here are some common beliefs that feed the misconception that worthiness requires some kind of action:

If I’m not accomplishing, achieving or producing, I’m not valuable. / My worth is tied to how much I accomplish.

I need to earn the right to rest, play or pleasure.

Saying no is bad.

Self-care is selfish.

What I want doesn’t matter as much as what I should do or is expected of me.

If any of these beliefs ring true for you, you’re not alone. Many people carry one or (usually) more of these beliefs.

I’ve had to work very hard to give myself permission to say no. To not push through when my body is yelling at me to take a breather. To not take it personally when someone else says no to me. To stop working crazy hours to fill up some hole in myself.

How to start reclaiming your worth

Most of us need to work on believing that we are worthy.

If you can’t truly feel that “Yes, of course I am worthy!”, you have some work to do. Like I did. You can start by clearing out any of the beliefs that you recognized in the list above.

As long as old beliefs stand in the way of you being able to allow yourself to see or feel or know that you’re worthy—you have a problem.

Because you’re more likely to do things that are not aligned and not in your favor. And that’s how many of us get derailed.

You start people pleasing, over reaching, overdoing, pushing yourself and your body too hard in order to be liked, accepted or appreciated. Because you think you need to deserve any of that through actions.

But your worth has never been in question

You are worthy simply because you are.

I know this might sound cheesy. But is also a deep truth.

When you have trouble feeling that is true for you, then you’re invited to lean more into being and loving yourself.

I know that’s easier said than done. You can begin by becoming aware of when you’re trying to ‘buy’ your worthiness, or someone’s love.

And make a conscious decision to make small changes.

If you want support exploring where you might feel unworthy and are overcompensating through action, private mentoring might be perfect for you. Read all about what that looks like here.

Or you can join the waitlist for my group program Come Home to Yourself here. Only six participants so we can go deep.

Iris van Ooyen guides people home to themselves. As a life transformation mentor with 20+ years of experience, she offers hope with a compass—helping you find your way back to who you truly are when life’s demands have made you lose touch with yourself. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to come home to yourself—and love your life again. 

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