Stop revisiting your past—create your future instead

August 26, 2025

We’re creatures of habit. And once something has become routine it becomes hard to break out of that pattern. That’s why we need to be careful what we feed with our attention.

I don’t believe in endlessly revisiting your childhood trauma, accidental failures and other disappointments for that reason. What you focus on you give power to and you’ll create more of. So what you focus on is what you simply stamp deeper into your brain—likely making you feel miserable.

So why on Earth would you ever want to relive bad memories just so that you can ingrain them deeper into your brain?

If you’ve seen the video on my about page, you already know that even at age fifteen I had a different take on what was needed to help someone overcome the experiences of their past.

I intuitively knew that whatever my friend’s psychologist was doing—including endlessly digging around in the past—was simply not working. I saw the evidence every single time she came back from a session.

I believe there’s a better, easier, but more importantly more useful or successful way to make changes in your life. To let go of the hold the past has over you: your thoughts, your actions, your behaviors. To break free from the limitations of the old you so that you can embrace and embody the new you.

The power of our brain

Let’s look at what happens in the brain. What you think about is what you will feel, and once you feel that emotion you’ll likely think more similar thoughts.

When I think about my little nephew, I will almost automatically feel love, and once I feel love, more loving thoughts will pop up.

Unfortunately, the same will happen with ‘negative’ emotions. When someone doesn’t respond to a text, it’s easy to start wondering what you may have said wrong or whether they’re angry with you. If that happens, I’ll feel worried or a little anxious as a result. Which my brain will then reinforce by reminding me of instances where this person didn’t respond to my text either. So I’ll feel more anxious, which will produce more similar negative thoughts. And then you’re stuck in a loop of emotions that you’ll need effort to break out of.

While this cycle seems straightforward in theory, breaking these deeply ingrained patterns in real life requires more than just understanding the concept. The neural pathways we’ve strengthened over years don’t dissolve overnight—which is why having support during this rewiring process can make all the difference.

We need to stop awfulizing

This thought-emotion cycle explains why one particularly common habit is so damaging: awfulizing. You know those moments when you imagine terrible scenarios that haven’t happened—and probably never will? That’s your brain essentially giving you a ‘chemical fix’ of familiar negative emotions…

For a long time, I thought I was the only one who did it—daydreamng nightmares.

You envision how people you love get hurt or die. You imagine how this client is not only unsatisfied but will write a hate-blog. You picture vividly how you will break a vital body part and can’t work or give that workshop.

When in truth everyone is doing fine, nobody is unsatisfied, nothing is broken.

So why do it?

We usually awfulize when things go well and we can’t believe life can be this good. So we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. And rather than having to wait till that happens, we conjure up an imagined problem.

Or maybe I should say, the brain helps us out by suggesting these thoughts because it has been too long since it had its chemical fix of whatever is your predominant negative emotion. For some it’s guilt, for others anxiety, insecurity, anger, or feeling unworthy.

Awfulizing is a very effective way to stop ourselves from moving forward.

Break the cycle

To change how you feel, you need to break that cycle. That’s why I believe it’s not beneficial to keep regurgitating your past if you want to bring about change. In fact, it’s counterproductive.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should ignore your emotions, numb your pain or pretend everything is alright. Your emotions need to be felt. But wallowing in your misery has never done anyone any good.

So stop remembering your past. Focus on the present moment and what you’d like to change. Concentrate on which things you would like to be different.

Or as Dr Joe Dispenza says in his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself:

“Warning: when feelings become the means of thinking, or if we cannot think greater than how we feel, we can never change. To change is to think greater than how we feel. To change is to act greater than the familiar feelings of the memorized self.”

In other words, since the brain produces chemicals based on what you’re thinking about, you need to make sure that you’re thinking about things that you want to be feeling or experiencing. To break out of the familiar loop, you need to focus on thoughts that are a step up from where you are at right now.

We resist the future

But here’s the challenge: change feels uncomfortable because we’re literally chemically addicted to our familiar emotions. Why is it that change is so hard? I think this quote is an important insight into why.

“Bottom line: most of us live in the past and resist living in a new future. Why? The body is so habituated to memorizing the chemical records of our past experiences that it grows attached to these emotions. In a very real sense, we’ve become addicted to those familiar feelings. So when we want to look to the future and dream of new vistas and bold landscapes in our not-too-distant reality, the body, whose currency is feelings, resists the sudden change in direction.” — Dr Joe Dispenza

Because our bodies become chemically addicted to these feelings it is difficult to break free from our past. This chemical addiction explains why traditional therapy’s focus on past exploration can backfire—you’re literally feeding the very neural pathways you’re trying to weaken.

So how do we break this cycle of negative mental rehearsals and past-focused thinking?

The key is changing your relationship with the past entirely. Instead of letting memories randomly hijack your attention, you take control.

Only visit the past on purpose

Whenever you do revisit the unpleasant past, I recommend you do so deliberately, for as short as possible, and with a clear objective.

This is exactly the approach I take with my clients. Rather than dwelling in past pain, we use it strategically as fuel for growth. As one client beautifully put it:

“The way Iris works is different. During a session she’ll never dip into the past for the sake of spending time there. Whenever she does it’s functional in terms of development and growth. It’s always used as fuel for change—never as an excuse.”

Don’t waste time reliving past experiences because you’ll only stamp those emotions further into your brain. Thereby strengthening those chemical connections—making it even harder to break free from the past we are trying to escape.

What can you do now?

The strategies below will get you started, but remember that rewiring decades of thinking patterns is complex work. Like any significant change, you’ll likely encounter resistance and setbacks along the way, which is where having support can be invaluable.

Make a list of unwanted emotions

Start by making a list of emotions you no longer want to feel and a second list of emotions you would like to feel from now on.

Choose new habits

When you look at this list of unwanted emotions, what does that mean for the habits you need to change? Perhaps you need to stop worrying, judging, blaming or thinking of what can go wrong. Let the list of desired emotions help you choose new habits to replace those old ones that no longer serve you.

Let go of the past physically

Check your house for items that remind you of those past unpleasant experiences and either throw them out, give them away, or put them somewhere hidden so you’re not reminded of them on a daily basis.

I hope that reading this will help you pay attention the next time you wander down memory lane and relive unpleasant situations. Stop yourself as soon as you notice and consciously focus your attention on something you want to feel more of.

Ready to break free from the patterns keeping you stuck? I help people just like you move from endlessly rehashing the past to creating an intentional, fulfilling future. Let’s talk about how private mentoring can help you focus your energy where it matters most—on building the life you actually want.

You can schedule a free 15 min. Intro Call with me here

Need support navigating your life? Iris van Ooyen is your guide to hope when life feels uncertain. In the moments when you feel lost and don’t know where to turn, Iris offers clarity, support, and a path forward. She’s the author of Radiant: How to Have All the Energy You Need to Live a Life You Love. Contact Iris to help you navigate life’s pivotal crossroads with confidence and purpose.