A dear friend is going through a rough patch, and it reminded me of my own divorce. These are some tips I would’ve appreciated back then.
[If you know someone who’s going through a hard time, check the suggestions in the PS.]
1. Say “no” or “not now”
This is not the moment to be overly polite.
People are going to be curious; people will care; people are going to ask you how you are doing. And no matter how well they mean, answering them is not your priority. Your self-care is!
I remember an email I received right after my divorce. A dear friend asked me how I was doing. At night I remembered that email, and even though I was exhausted, I felt obligated to answer her.
As a result, my response was far from elegant. So much so that she was offended by what I wrote. I simply shouldn’t have pushed through when I was not even able to compose a decent email. I explained things to her and she understood—but all that could have been avoided by giving myself the time to answer when I had the space of mind.
Also, there is no need to answer everyone in detail! Sometimes a mere “Thank you for your support (or message).” is enough.
2. Ask for help
This is not the time to try and do everything yourself. It’s also not a time to try and be perfect. You have official permission to put your perfectionism to the side for a while and remind yourself that it’s not that important—especially not now.
Outsource anything you can have other people do for you. Your friends and family will likely be eager to help and happy to have something tangible to be able to support you with. Give them a chance to be there for you.
3. Be kind (to you!)
No matter the story of your breakup, you need to be kind to yourself. It’s far too easy to beat ourselves up. Remember that we often do the best we can with what we have and know at that moment.
Remind yourself that this too shall pass. Things will get better—no matter how daunting or unsurmountable it may seem right now. Even when it feels hard to believe—trust that.
And please give yourself a do-it-yourself hug as often as needed. You’re doing great. Keep going! Be sure to take it one step, one day at a time. And know that I am giving you a virtual hug right now, if you like 🤗
4. Lighten your load
Part of being kind is giving yourself permission to keep things to the bare minimum. It’s okay to only do what’s required. Don’t try and think too far ahead—unless absolutely required.
Emotions are exhausting. Add to that the uncertainty about the future, practical things you need to take care of, possible changes in where you live… That’s a clear recipe for being bone tired. The more you take your exhaustion into account when you plan your day and week, the more you leave some room for unexpected things you need to handle, the less chance of running yourself (more) ragged. (Also, see tip 2: ask for support.)
5. Eat well
Emotions and stress eat away energy like nothing else. And—if you’re like me—weight as well. In the months after my divorce, I lost weight I didn’t have the luxury of losing. It’s not like I skipped meals, but I’m not a big eater to begin with and I simply wasn’t that interested in food. So if the same goes for you, be sure to keep an eye on your food intake.
You probably know this but when we’re stressed, worried and exhausted it’s often harder to think straight. It’s also easier to forget basic things—like making sure you give your body enough (healthy) fuel.
And if you’re happy to lose a bit of weight, well then consider that one of the upsides. 😉
Bonus tip: grounding will help you sleep better
When your mind keeps going a mile-a-minute or you simply have trouble relaxing, grounding is a great way to get out of your head and back in touch with your body. You can ground by walking in nature, gardening, eating dark chocolate (really!) or do a quick grounding exercise like the one below.
Know there are more people rooting for you than you realize!
PS Suggestions for when your friend or family member is going through a rough patch:
Let them know you’re there for them. Give them space when they need it. Offer practical assistance and emotional support. Resist the temptation to want to know all the details and understand everything about the situation. You’re human, of course you’re curious. But let them set the pace and decide how many details they’re willing to share. Chances are you’re the umpteenth person asking the same questions and they might just be too tired to rehash the story yet again. Not because you’re not important or allowed to know. It’s just not their priority. It’s yours.
PPS Most of these tips probably apply to any major life event.
