Our experiences shape us and if something was highly emotional it’s engraved even deeper in our brain. You don’t even have to consciously remember the event for it to have an impact on you.
Most of us have our fair share of experiences where we felt rejected or even abandoned. Two of our biggest fears are “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not loved.” And if we’re not careful this impacts not just our thoughts but our behavior. Let’s have a look at how you can avoid that.
Last week I sent a good friend a picture that came up in my phone as memory of the day. It showed her on a trip we took and I spontaneously sent her the photo. A few days later I realized I hadn’t heard back from her so I checked to see if she’d received my text. She did and she had seen it—but no response.
Can you guess the first thing that went through my mind?
I thought “Oh, maybe she didn’t like the picture. Was it not a good one?” And I confess I actually looked the picture up to see if it was unflattering. It was a nice photo of her so that couldn’t be it.
So I immediately started wondering about the reason for her lack of response. Fortunately, I was able to stop myself there.
Have you ever experienced something similar?
If you’re human, I’m pretty sure you have. 😉
Our first instinct is to take things personal. We think it’s us!
This is what Brené Brown calls “the stories we tell ourselves.” Without the facts, we make up a—usually unpleasant—narrative that ‘explains’ the situation.
They must not like me anymore
They must not think I’m important.
Maybe I did something wrong.
Have I said something to offend or disappoint them?
And you run through your recent encounters trying to find the reason for the lack of response or (perceived) dismissal.
When in truth they have the flu (like my friend), are dealing with emergencies at home or work, or they never got your text or email. Or they did and had every intention to respond but something came up and they simply forgot.
Chances are about 80% that we start by looking at what we did wrong (unless we are very conscious about our response.)
When I think in truth it’s rarely because of something we did or didn’t do. (Unless you’ve been a jerk. In which case you’ll know. You won’t have to wonder. 😉)
The majority of the time it’s not about you. Their lack of response or delay in answering likely has everything to do with them and their situation.
The chances of negative thoughts hijacking you are higher when you’re tired, stressed, insecure or perhaps already worrying about something else.
Signs
You’re overthinking and analyzing a situation.
You’re feeling triggered.
You’re worrying.
You’re feeling down or out of sorts.
Solutions
Whenever you notice one of the signs above (or another personal tell you’re aware of) do the following.
Stop. Literally take a moment to pause and tell yourself out loud or in your mind “STOP.” This helps you break the cycle and focus on something else—even if it’s just for a moment.
That’s long enough to ask yourself these two questions that were coined by Byron Katie:
1. Is it true?
Or in this example: Is this story I’m telling myself true? (You probably think it is.
2. Can I absolutely know that it is true? (Likely not!)
You can’t know for certain that your friend is ignoring you or felt offended or …. [fill in the blank.]
Okay, so now that you’ve concluded that this offense or disappointment is probably a result of a past experience or old programming: what can you do?
Ideally you get to work to change these beliefs, and that’s something I can help you with.
For this moment, I’d recommend you focus on shifting your state.
Shift your state:
As Tony Robbins says: “Emotion is cause by motion.” (Or lack thereof…)
The way we move influences the way we feel. So if you feel crappy—which is likely the case when you’re worrying about something—you need to shift your state (your physiology) in order to shift how you feel.
So if you’re sitting, stand up. Shake yourself loose, move your body. Jump up and down if you can. Jumping Jacks are great for that.
If you really want to go for it, then play your favorite music and dance or sing along. Music is another powerful way to shift how you feel.
To really top things off you can grab your favorite essential oil or even a lemon or orange (or anything else you can find that smells pleasant) and inhale that scent deeply.
Last but not least: allow yourself to smile. Even if you’re not yet feeling the urge to smile, it signals to your brain that you’re feeling good.
So next time something happens and you wonder what you did wrong, I recommend you use these tips to get yourself out of that negative train of thoughts. That frees up a lot of time and energy to do more joyful things. 😉
Have a day full of energy and inspiration!
PS If you would like support thinking happier thoughts, a Life Navigation Session might be perfect for you.
